Gah! Leaving so soon!

I can't believe how soon I leave! One full day left in Canada. I find myself more nervous than I've been in a long time. But then, I remember once upon a time a trip to London brought on the butterflies. Now, it's as comfortable as coming home. And the same went for places like Spain and Italy - nerves before experiencing the unknown, then, inevitably I relaxed as I got used to the differences and celebrated them.

Mind you, due to illness today I lost a day of getting ready!! (Not helping the nerves!) God I hope I can get everything ready in time! Wish me luck!

Also, a big thank you to my bestie and her hubby!! Such an awesome going away present! All-weather pen and pads of paper! Too cool.

All right... time to attempt sleep. I've got a big day of packing and picking up last minute things!

G'night!!!

Tiny computer!

It's occurred to me that a long time ago a friend provided me with his old mini-laptop. I now have the keyboard I needed to blog with ease while I'm away! Or, well, relative ease. I think this thing was originally designed for a keebler elf but whatever, it's so much better than the keypad on a phone or a keyboard so rife with unique letters that getting out a simple English sentence would be about as easy as doing Bikrams Yoga on a white water raft.

Anywho! Score! And thank you Kris!!!!!

From the mini,

K

a rose for v-day

Someone should get me a rose for v-day. I would really like that. Just one pretty rose. And maybe a hug, too. Smooches if you're a good kisser. Or, just the rose and a smile. I deffo would be into that.
Justsayin.

Nerves, and asking for help from the airport

Traveling is a challenge for everyone. Anyone who has done it will, I am sure, agree that it is not a relaxing vacation. In fact, it may be considered even more challenging and difficult than regular day-to-day life. Mind you, for the travel-lover, the experiences we reap from it far outweigh the difficulties we face.

For someone with a spinal cord injury, however, we have added challenges. I am an ambulatory quad. To the layman this may give way to the misconception that I'm perfectly healthy. Dealing with simple ignorance is a challenge in and of itself. For example, in 2011 when I was going through the YVR airport to catch my flight to New York and then Spain, I found that one of the security lines was so abhorrently long I feared my legs would not be able to handle the long wait. The thing is, yes, I am able to walk, but doing so is extra fatiguing on my body due to muscle weakness, tone, and spascicity. I simply can't stay upright as long as I look I aught to. And I have to pace myself according to the activities for the rest of the day.

So, bracing myself for the inevitable kick-back, I chose the empty handicap line.

The first words the guard said to me were, "You're not disabled."

Oh, jeeze.

THIS trip, I've decided to try to preemptively avoid these sorts of troubles. Especially since I have a short layover in China. If I needed to rush for any reason, I'm not capable of doing it. My "running" speed is about as fast as a casual stroll.

So, I had my travel agent specifically request for special help due to my spinal cord injury. Personally, I've never done this, so I have absolutely no idea what it will mean. Will I have someone show up with a wheelchair and wheel me about? Will I have access to one of those golf cart dealios and get to blast through the airport pretending I'm a dune buggy princess? (Please be that one!!). Will I still have to deal with ignorance once I get there with another declaration of my physical ability spouted out from the mean lips of an uneducated airport worker?

I gotta admit, I'm a bit nervous of it. Nothing to do but set myself to ready, and go for it, though!

Wish me dune buggy luck!

 K

5 days, 16 hours, 22 minutes: The roller coaster of anticipation

"You must be so excited!!!"

"Uh... yeah. Yeah, of course I am," I reply with a distinctly shallow sense of conviction.

I can tell you that, yes, truly, under all the layers of stress and preparation, I'm thrilled. But, over the last few weeks, a blanket of overwhelming activity attempted to smother out the flames of joyous anticipation.

How easily that can happen, yes? For me, I had taken on extra hours at work, handled all of the day to day, prepped the new employees, coordinated the switch-over, spent two full days driving and two days attempting to help renovations on a house, dealt with the potential of getting a new dog including taking it with me on said trip, tried to keep up on meeting with people since it's the last time I will be able to for two months, and desperately attempted to eck out the occasional minute to actually think about and plan my trip.

Oh right, and I have a spinal cord injury. :p

I lost track of doing laundry, stopped doing the dishes, and basically flat-lined on pain and fatigue more than once. Thank goodness I decided to start having groceries delivered to my house or food would have completely subsisted of the uber-healthy choice of delivery.

(May I take a quick moment to gush about grocery delivery? I'd balked on allowing any sort of help during my recovery and acceptance of getting an SCI, and groceries was one of them. I didn't feel normal unless I went through the regular process of going to the store, wandering around, and lugging the food into the house.

What an utter fool I had been.

Why waste all that energy!? I can now shop whilst sipping vino in my pajama's if I care to. And on Wednesday (my given delivery day) I come home to my groceries piled up and ready right beside my door. Screw this walking up stairs with heavy crap bullpucky! I may never go back. It seems utterly foolhardy now.)

In any case, I hardly had a moment to breathe, much less think about and plan my trip. And, subsequently, stress started to pile high in my heart. I wasn't ready. I don't even know where my universal electric plug thingy is. And doubts about my ability to handle this trip inevitably trickled into my overwrought mind.

Has this ever happened to you? So much pre-trip craziness surrounds you that you actually hit a point where you regret the trip altogether and wish you weren't going?

Well, it happened to me. A few times actually. It's been a mild bit of a roller coaster.

Thank the gods it's always been a temporary state.

Today I finally had a moment to think about my trip again, and a conversation that started with the strained-to-hide and thick reedy voice of stress ended up in giggles and squeaks of apprehensive joy.

Part of it was that I google earthed my first hotel today, just for shits and giggles. That was a lark! This is not something I was capable of doing on previous trips. Zoomed right down and stared at a three-dimensional photo of Bali Segara as if I were standing on the street right before it. What a.. digital trip. I wonder if any of you have done this? I google map lots of stuff here in my own city because I find it an excellent resource for finding a destination easily, but I'd never traipsed around a foreign land without my feet actually doing the work before. Although in doing it, I actually felt a little bit like I was cheating on my trip. One of my favourite parts of travel is the discovery of the new, and seeing my hotel prior to the moment of arrival was somehow uncomfortable and like I had robbed myself of a special experience. Am I nuts? Maybe I'm just sappy like that. :p

The point is, though, that today I felt that enlivening thrill rush through me again. The deep beat of travel sounded in my heart and I felt it be real again. I felt, I feel, genuine excitement, raw and free of the stress surrounding it.

In less than a week I will fly into Denpasar, Bali. I will discover a part of the world I have never seen before.

EEEK!!

Musings: my love of books

I don't even need to read one. Just being close to... surrounded by... generates a certain satisfaction. And the feeling; joints and bones themselves fill rich with joy as the pads of my fingers caress the thickness of stacked paper. So decadently filled with words it sets my tongue to salvation and my teeth to anticipation. Sometimes I just want to know, and knowing is enough, that I can soak in the flavour presented before me. It's ready and ripe and waiting, the tickling expanse of thought poised to be enveloped into me.

I revel even in the presence of folded page.  Potential energy drives me, foreplay of the mind. Joy in a tightly bound bundle. The brilliant power of the silent written word.

rant: I miss phone conversations

You know what I miss? Phone conversations. I really do. You remember when people weren't afraid of a good tele-convo? I do. I love the sound of someones voice. Someones laughter. I HATE text based convo for the absence of that. Don't get me wrong. Texting is convenient and sometimes very useful. But a part of my soul is still in mourning that texting has basically entirely replaced that uber fun part of life.

Is it the 90's chick in me? You remember.... chatting with a guy, (or gal..) .. and you can hear the nerves, and the spiritedness of it. The subtle seduction that might come out of a perfectly innocently worded sentence. The verbal obviousness of it. The tenor of sound that tickles you. Or just a well rounded conversation that resonates within you. I swear the sound contributes to a depth that our bodies crave. A real connection. And so your whole body is a bit charged. A subtle melody of intrigue. Because what if you say something wrong? Will they giggle? Will they reject you? Will they say something witty back that completely smooths over the incidental trip of words?

Do you remember when a pause was a... pause!? Not 4 hours later because, "Oops, sorry, I got busy and couldn't respond."

As you spend those 4 hours - and don't pretend that you haven't - in a sort of suspended agony desperately needing the answer to those questions.

Also pretending you're nonchalant and really don't care.

HAH! - we all care.

I miss a pause being the length of a freakin pause.

I miss 3 hour conversations with a good friend. When time itself takes a break in the comfort of chatter and laughter. I miss that being an option if you couldn't meet someone face-to-face. People didn't just find the time, they made it. They wanted it and included it in their lives.

What is the norm now? A spattering of random comments that interrupt an evening of other activities.

Doesn't it sometimes feel like someone is hucking paper airplanes at your head while you're trying to get something done?

We're such an attention deficit society. Why don't you drop what you're doing for a minute and fully focus on someone else for a bit? Don't you remember how good it felt?

Ah, yes... as the introverts collectively yell out "But, wait! It's too hard!"

PFAW!!!!!

I am deeply in the introvert spectrum and still, to me that's like saying: I should eat junk food because it's cheaper and it tastes good.

But it isn't freaking good for you.

I know how easy it is to follow the path of least resistance. It's a natural desire but not one that is always correct.

Anyone else notice how depression seems to be a psychological plague of our age? I put it to you, to think about on your own terms.... perhaps... just perhaps.. this really does have something to do with it.....


... why don't you call me and we'll chat about it? mm?

;)

K

for a day in the under-appreciated

For a friend who dealt with a heckler:

Art is never a guarantee. It's a tumultuous journey that promises exceptional highs, uncomfortable lows, and a myriad of experiences that, at the end of the journey, one could never - would never - replace.

Don't feel discouraged. This is one of the many plights of an artist. It is not an easy path we follow, but one our hearts yearn for none-the-less.

For every person who is deaf to our sound, there are so many more who can hear, who are touched, who's eyes glaze over in a recognition of souls...

And if ever you have a day where those kindred spirits are not near - or are perhaps replaced with nasty little creatures that take pleasure in spreading misery - remember your own soul, and how it delights in the creation. Remember how it makes you feel. The love affair that stole your entire being and refuses to let go; the passion it has evoked in you; the moments of sheer ecstasy that buds from inside of you.

Remember that sound, for you, and play for you.

The kindred listeners will return.

The assholes can shove milk crates up their arses and go for a horse ride.


***

Determination is the key to success. Living in your own moment is the key to happiness.

The Wandering Quad shall wander again!

It's offical!

My flights are booked and my nerves are ecstatic. Feb 18th 2015 at 11:30am, I will be sitting with sparkling anticipation as the engine gears up to roar in that inertia filled excitement of lift-off. And off to Southeast Asia will I go.

I've never been to this part of the world before. I am all at once thrilled, nervous, and ripe with extreme anticipation. I know nothing about where I'm going. Just vague ideas of gorgeous beaches with jutting rocks covered in lush vegetation that stand proudly in clear azure waters. Of warmth and jungles and unique temples. Of unfamiliar wildlife and new peoples and language. Of incredible foods and wild parties. Of new friends and new experiences.

I cannot explain to you how much this excites me. How this unknown thrills me. I feel like a kid on Christmas, and I so desperately want to rip open the packaging and learn what's in store for me. And every step is a new gift revealing its treasures. Maybe I'm wrong... maybe I won't even get to see some of the things I think are out there. But this doesn't worry me. Not in the slightest. This is part of the fascination of adventure. I cannot wait to learn.

For two months I get to wander around the other side of the world in my limping fashion. For two months I will spend every day excited to try something new. For two months I will be alive in every way.

My god... am I there yet?


Countdown to Southeast Asia : 64 days 23 hours 42 minutes.

feminists are NOT stupid

I'm not liking this thing that's going around... "fuck feminism" .. "stupid feminists" ...

Feminism is much more than one group of people who disliked his shirt, and many feminists have extremely valuable and important things to say about serious issues, such as sexual exploitation, degradation, abuse, rights restriction and more that STILL exist in this world.

We are fortunate that we live in a place where we don't have to face these challenges to nearly as severe a degree anymore, (any why? because of feminism!) so it's easy to assume feminists are only whiny little creatures complaining about silly things since topics like this shirt are only thing that's close enough to your nose to smell it - whatever your opinion is about it.

But feminism isn't stupid. Feminists aren't stupid. They are a powerful and necessary force.

I wish the rape, child prostitution and other very serious and abhorrent things that are, as we speak, occurring around the world were getting highlighted through media this intensely, because I feel it reflects more truthfully on what feminism is, what it stands for, and why it is 100% still needed.

Right now, as you're reading these words, a little girl across the world has a man on top of her, raping her, because she was sold into sex slavery. Think about that, know that this is happening RIGHT NOW. Then tell me that we should fuck feminism.


A good ted talk to help remind you:

http://www.ted.com/talks/isabel_allende_tells_tales_of_passion

Musings: feeling shifted

I woke up this morning feeling bizarrely like my whole world had moved just a few millimeters. Everything feels slightly off. It's as if all the items in my house have been picked up, contemplated, and placed back down. That someone had driven my car during the night and tried to return everything to it's original position but couldn't get it quite right. I even had to adjust my mirrors.

Even at work I feel oddly displaced, as if I don't belong here. That I am a stranger in my own life.

How odd, this persistant flux. It cannot be real, but I swim in the fantasy of it wondering if there's meaning behind it - some subconcious thing my mind is questing to tell me.

Or, maybe I just dreamed too much last night.. and it's time for a coffee.

thoughts: the creation of my stories

It's interesting how some of the prose comes out instinctively and is fully fleshed. But mostly it starts as mainly the bones of the story, with soft malleable flesh weakly holding on. Then I add to it, over time.. make it healthier. Add clothes and hair and nails and teeth. Until it is fully formed.

Every once in a while, though, I notice I've accidentally left out an entire limb, and must quickly work to add that so the story doesn't fall over.

And accessories.. Oh, the accessories. I could accessorize forever. That will be the challenge. Keeping my story tastefully dressed. Clean lines and pleasing colours.

I feel almost a sculptor. Using words as clay. I am a child at play.

Allergies??

Holy crap almighty my allergies are going ape-shit. It scares me sometimes. I'm afraid I've grown allergies to things I love. Natural scents, like essential oils or fragrant cooking spices.

I really hope it's only because I haven't cleaned my window blinds in a long time and the accumulated dust is taking its revenge on me.

Cross your fingers with me.

Yeah... I try as best as I can to be emotionally supportive. And they're holding up pretty well.. But you can see it. The pain dwelling in their eyes, looming precariously behind the shock of it all. He occasionally erupts in barely contained anger... but holds it back. He still hopes... for.. something.

Does everyone dream of walking again? - video from channel 4 news and my thoughts

http://www.channel4.com/news/paralysis-wheelchair-disability-sophie-morgan-paula-craig

This interview makes a good point. It's not just about walking, the issue is much more complex. My personal thought is that this advancement has amazing potential for the future, but I can understand completely, especially AS an ambulatory quad, why these ladies aren't jumping at the bit to partake in this. If this discovery meant perfect healthy walking and function, sure. However, as they say, this current study is not there yet. For these women, and a lot of other people I'm certain, the most important thing is quality of life. I can tell you that walking with permanent limp, tone, spasticity and pain, is not ideal; even though I'm technically closer to "normal". And I have mentioned that I do wish I'd accepted the help of a chair, and may even begin to use one now. Being visibly 'closer to normal' is not the goal. Having the best quality of life by reducing pain and fatigue as well as finding ways to ensure independence is paramount for a spinal cord injured person. Being able to stand up and take a few steps does not equal that.

And besides the physical act of walking, there is a whole lot more involved when it comes to SCI. Bowel and bladder function, sexual function, loss of sensation, hyper sensation, pain (nerve and musculoskeletal), to name a few.

Still, this phenomenal advancement does seem to promise help is on the way, even if it's not perfect, yet. It does seem to be a remarkable 'step' in the right direction. (haha, so punny :p)

And I must admit that I do hope with further studies, tests, and trials, we WILL find in a true cure for SCI.