Monday, March 23, 2015

No babies for Kristina

I just don't get what's so damn attractive about babies. When people swarm to a little creature and coo and burble and make truly absurd noises and doe-eyed-love-struck faces at this little stranger thing covered in snot who is, at any second, about to cry so hard a bit of its mucousy goop will land on your bottom lip.

Okay, so I don't know that snot will come flying out at any random passerby of a baby, but any parent knows that one WILL get covered in any number of bodily fluids whilst caring for the little noise makers.

No, thank you.

Now, as a young woman of 30, I've noticed its almost assumed that I will be one of the mushy faced adoring masses. Parents with babies will give me a sort of knowing and welcoming smile as they near me with their little thing, which slowly falters and cracks into an expression of uncertainty as my face likely registers a mixture of fear, revulsion, and panic.

Okay I'm getting all dramatic and exaggerating again. But I'm sure my face does look at least a couple shades of unnecessary green.

So here I now sit at my bungalow bar and not one, not two, but three sets of parents with snotmakers are here at the restaurant (and I secretly pray, not actually STAYING here, although I definitely heard at least one obnoxious baby cry in the night).

Already I fear I have made some proud parents upset at my obvious lack of enthusiasm towards their spawn, and sit with a sort of wild eyed and mildly disgusted bewilderment any time one of them approaches me.

Clearly... no babies for Kristina.

*disclaimer to all my friends with spawn: I love your spawn. They are the cutest things ever. Obviously this post has nothing to do with your squishy potato of love. I would never be afraid of rogue snot-balls being flung at me from your precious little creature. Never.


Thank god you still love me anyway.


  1. Babies are totally totally gross, I agree!!! I love the little boogers tho, and definitely want them. Be proud of your child-free, and don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise!!! :D

    1. Hahaha ya some people are meant for them! Go them! And I have such respect for parents. It's just noooot for me